Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done

1.  Stop playing cricket
    2.  Oliver.
        3.  Start caring
            4.  Listen to what other people had to say
                5.  Lie to friends and family
                    6.  Make a Facebook account

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind

1.  My life is going nowhere

2.  Why can't I do anything right

3.  What if

4.  Even if I was the last guy on earth, I'd still find a way to stuff it up

5.  How many people actually care.

6.  How have I gotten this far

7.  Music has a scary way of explaining how I feel. Shuffle = "No one's gonna love you" then "Land of Confusion" and "Somewhere I belong"



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Day Three: Eight ways to win my heart

1.  Be confident in yourself and in me

2.  Intelligence - Not amazingly smart, but know enough so that I can do/say things without having to explain

3.  Get along well with my friends

4.  Have a similar taste in music - There's no point arguing over what song to play

5.  Have a good sense of humour - laugh at my stupid jokes, and make plenty of your own

6.  Realise that I am not a great conversationalist

7.  Make me feel included - You'll have to figure out how to do that yourself

8.  Best way to win my heart:  Be there for me when other people aren't - You'd be surprised how many people say and act like they are there for the long haul, then all of a sudden have "more important things to do."

Day Two: Nine things about yourself

1.  I like to think of myself as well rounded person. Academic, sports, and cultural things (like music) fill my life.

2.  I am addicted to Facebook. Seriously.

3.  I have no idea where my life is heading.  Sure I have the next 5 years sorted, but I don't know what I want to do after that.  To be honest, I can't see myself with a desk job for a career.  I would've done something to do with Drama, but I don't think I'm good enough to do it professionally

4.  I hate school with a passion.

5.  I don't like myself (see a previous blog)

6.  I have had my learners licence for 14 months and counting (I am a good driver though.)

7.  I have lied to just about every person I know.

8.  I like the smell of plastic in the sun.

9.  I am not ashamed of the music on my ipod.  Justin Bieber, Backstreet Boys, Five, Westlife, Fergie, N'Sync,  I love it all.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now (without names)

1.  I know you are only trying to help, but please let me have some space.  I can't grow into the person you want me to be, so let me be whoever I turn out to be.

2.  We haven't actually known each other that long compared to some of my other friends, but we have still become great mates.  You might not know it, but you are always the first person that I share things with.  I am incredibly jealous of you, and how you have sorted out your life and know exactly what you want to do.

3.  What gives you the right to insult me, and put me down on a daily basis? It may not look like it hurts, but that's just because I can put on a brave face and pretend to brush it off.  You make me want to leave the group, but I can't because I have nowhere else to go.

4.  We have grown apart, but I still think of you all the time.  I want to help you, but you're just too far away.  To me it seems as though you haven't changed in any way in the 3-4 years that I've known you.  To be honest, I would give anything to go back to the first day that I met you, and show you what kind of person I really am.

5.  You are a cool kid and you mean a lot to me.  You probably have no idea that I kinda like you (I have for quite a while haha), and I really want to know what you think of me.  I have tried to read your body language and what you say to me, but I just can't tell. What am I? Just some kid, a friend, a good friend, one of your best friends, something more?

6.  You don't own me. You don't control me. Don't think that just because you are older means I will respect you. Leave me alone.

7.  You are just one of those people that whenever I see you, I can't help but smile :) 

8.  You think you know me, but you have no idea.  Even after nearly 5 years, you still don't know anything about me outside of school.  I find it amusing how you think everyone loves you, but in fact they think you are a tad strange.

9.  I had a lot of respect for you up untill I got that message from you.  I thought you were someone that would've realised I put so much more into the school than what it gave me in return.  As of now, you are nothing more than an old teacher to me.

10.  Once upon a time, I used to enjoy your company and talking to you. But nowadays, I have grown tired of you.  I don't want to be around you. You scare me and make me believe things I don't want to.



Reading over these again, I have unfortunately proven my point http://fleedle1.blogspot.com/2010/09/me.html

Ben C

Bloggers 10 day challenge;

 ~Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

 ~Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

 ~Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

 ~Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind

 ~Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done

 ~Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order)

 ~Day Seven: Four turn offs

 ~Day Eight: three turn ons

 ~Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now

 ~Day Ten: One confession

Me

Today, I've realised I am a horrible person.

 - I can't stay focused on one thing
 - I do things that I shouldn't
 - I lie and cheat on a daily basis
 - I have no idea where my life is heading
 - I'm not boyfriend material
 - I am boring.
 - I am not worthy of the things I have, and the people I know
 - I hurt people.

I do not deserve to be me.

I am both pleased and very angry with the way this school term has ended.

Pleased because I need to start studying hard, earn some money, have a break from school, hang out with mates. Ya know, the usual things teenagers do.  The thing that bugs me is that I got a message from one of the senior staff at school saying, "Thank you for the contributions you have made to SBHS."  Do they really expect me to accept that???

Expanding on the above:
 - It's the end of Term 3, the last full term of school EVER. It has finally hit me, in just a few weeks all my friends will be going their seperate ways :(  I will have to do something with my life. Focus on something I want to do. This is where it all counts...

 - It seemed like a great day, but to be honest it wasn't that great. Yeah sure, I wasn't at school till 11am, but that's not all I care about.  Early start, stood in a line for 3 hours (it was worth it though).  It was kinda sad after school because most people just went home. I miss the old days where we would all go down and get some chips, then have a great afternoon down at the park.  I guess it is a bit difficult nowadays, especially with people having to work, go on holiday, and just any other commitments....

 - When I got that message from a senior staff member, it almost ruined my afternoon. I couldn't believe they had the guts to say this to me after what they have done.  I gave them 4 and a half years of some of the best years of my life.  I was an excellent student. I contributed to the school academically, musically, with sports, and as a leader (although I wasn't recognised as one).  Why the hell do they think that it's okay to say they are thankful for my contributions?!?!  If they are so thankful, why did they turn down my application for Senior Leader last year? Why did they turn down my application for Prefect?  Why do they continue to ignore all the things that I achieve and do for the school?  It really annoys me how they probably think that I will be very happy how they have recognised my efforts with a general statement that almost every student will get. Do I not deserve something a bit different....? Sure, the school has thousands of students that pass through its gates, but you would think they would be able to make a bit more of a personal comment, especially considering I/we have been hanging around for almost 5 years???

I have almost given up on school.  I don't want to be there. I go for lunch, study periods, and to see my friends. I DO NOT like sitting in classrooms being yelled at by the teacher for not following their exact word. I would leave now if I could go straight to uni, but I can't... I am here just to get credits.

That is all for today
Ben C

My mind is playing tricks on me

The worst part about playing Lysander in our drama class performance, is that it puts stupid ideas in my mind.  It tries to make me think that I like someone in a way that I know I shouldn't.


For those of you that don't know, Lysander is a character from "A Midsummer Nights Dream" by William Shakespeare.  He is a character who is in love with Hermia, but falls in love with Helena when under the influence of a love potion.  After the love potion is removed, he once again realises that Hermia is his one true love.


My point is:  After acting as though I was in love for several hours each day, my mind led me to believe that what I felt was irl and not just in the play.  I will say it;  For a while there, I did really like ______ (well at least I thought I did).  There is no doubt about it, she is a great friend, and really do enjoy her company, but to be honest she is just one of the guys (she even said it herself).  I don't know if what I feel is real or not, because I'm rather stressed and numb to a lot of things that would normally spark a reaction. What I am doing, is playing it safe by not doing anything until I can think straight again.  As yet I haven't told her about this because there is no need to make things complicated between us.  If she does end up reading this, then I hope that I have done the right thing.


Thanks to the play, as well as a whole heap of other stressful stuff, my emotions are a little bit messed up >_<  I wish I could just get on with my life and enjoy what's left of it.  I don't know how I feel, I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to fix it.  All I can do is sit back and do the best I can.


Thank you, and Goodnight.
Ben C

Choices

I have been debating whether I should share the link to this blog to my friends or not...

Why I shouldn't:
 - People might abuse it, and post stupid comments
 - People whom I don't want to read this, might stumble upon it
 - I might (accidently) post somthing that offends someone that reads this
 - I might be judged on what I post, instead of who I am as a person
 - People could read this and make untrue assumptions about what I think
 - My posts could become the topic of the next day's conversations

Why I should:
 - Without people reading it, there isn't much point writing a blog
 - I might want certain people to read my posts
 - I want people to know how I feel, with the comfort of not talking to them directly
 - I read other peoples' blogs, so I guess it's only fair that they read mine
 - People will stop nagging me to post the link

So far it looks as though I won't be sharing the link, but as more people let me know what they think, I shall make an updated decision on the matter.

Yesterday's events

Oh boy, where to begin...?

The other day, I thought it would be a good idea for me to go for a run sometime today, so I decided that I would run to rehearsal yesterday morning. BAD IDEA.  Was good to start with, then I realised I had to take my bag with me :/  Extra weight + head wind = not a good mix

Once at rehearsal, it kinda went a bit downhill thanks to Moran.... Picking on people, mood swings, contradicting herself, and being a general bitch.  We did get a lot of stuff done, but there is a heck of a lot more to do in the next few days.

The drive from Lance's to Tayla's was one of the scariest things... The driver was clearly not in the right head-space. He hit a duck and a little duckling :'(  Took corners too fast, yelled at us, etc.  Bro, I know you are having a rough time, but we are here for you, let someone else drive if you don't think you can handle it.

Hamish's surprise birthday dinner = great success
He had no idea untill he actually saw us in the restaurant.  It was great to see the look on his face :)  Good food, great people, and not to mention the penis-cake hahaha.  It was a great night hanging out with some cool kids around at Ben's place.  I wish every night could be like last night :)

Ben C

First things first

Well first of all I would like to welcome you to my blog :)

The reason that I haven't advertised the link to this page is so that random people don't find it as easy.  I also did it so that only the most dedicated stalkers and people who really want to read this will find it.  I'm sorry if I annoyed you by not simply giving you the link, but this is a way of making sure that you aren't just going to read it just for some cheap laughs.

I hope you enjoy and learn from what I post in the future :)

Ben C