Driving

Last night I went for a drive through town with my dad.  It was all good untill I was about 1k from home....

Coming up to the roundabout, I slowed down, looked and then began to enter the intersection.  There was a (large) vehicle to my right, and so I should've given way, but I didn't... I don't know what I was thinking.  It was as though I was subconsciously trying to kill myself, and if it wasn't for my dad being right beside me, I probably would be dead.  As soon as I got home I just layed down and cried as my dad gave me yet another lecture.

Today was horrible.  I felt sick every time I went through a roundabout on my bike on the way to school.

When I got to English last period, it all came flooding back.  What if I did get hit?  What would've happened to everyone else?  How selfish would it have been?  What made me feel so bad about myself?  I can't remember a time when I haven't been either depressed or lying to people. 

Thanks rusty for your support this arvo.  To be honest, without talking to you, I probably wouldn't have made it home in one piece.

You there.

If you do read this, please feel free to comment on any of my previous and future posts :)
I would love to hear your thoughts.

I'll keep it brief today.

 - Photo for Scholarship candidates

 - Home early and studied

 - Told a few people about what's been going on in my life

 - Early night because I'm training in the morning : )

The weekend

 .

An average weekend.

Saturday was the Templeton swim meet.  I did surprisingly well considering my lack of training.  The only thing I didn't like was the atmosphere.  It felt as though I didn't belong there anymore. 

I was the person from QEII who had been in the club the longest, and it seemed like my time had come and gone.  I haven't been training, I haven't talked to most people in weeks.  I have been stuck in a hole, and I don't know what to talk about with them.  When I sat next to someone, they'd get up and go sit with other people.  When someone asked me about something, I couldn't answer it because they had been talking about it when I wasn't there.  I was in different heats, different events, nothing was social about it.  The people I usually talk to weren't there, and so I was left to sit by myself listening to my ipod.  Going up for races, I would go see the coach.  Instead of a brief race plan, he just gave me a nod.  Not a word was spoken to me.  It was the first time that I have not enjoyed swimming.

The afternoon session wasn't much better... Slower people were chosen ahead of me for the relays, I was even insulted by "friends" from other clubs for being in a slower lane.  I was in a heat with 10 year olds, and even though I won my heat by quite a bit, I still felt like I was inferior to them.  They were there having so much fun with their friends, chatting and swimming well, with many years of that ahead of them.  I was 100% jealous.

The occasional person talked to me, but never a decent conversation. Two people asked what was up with "my depressing fb status'", I tried to avoid it, but it was very hard.  Only one of them actually realised what was going on, and I thank them for the hug, which I really needed :)

I'll see what happens over the next few weeks, and then the summer holidays, but if it going to be like what happened on the weekend, then I don't think I'll be swimming much longer.  I swim because it's fun.  Not fun = no more swimming.

Day Ten: One confession

Oh boy, I've been dreading this day since I started this 'Blog Challenge'

I have thought long and hard at what I could confess and quite a few things have come to mind.

  - Childish things such as who I 'like'

  - Depressing thoughts I've had

  - What I think about something or someone

  - I could talk about something that happened a few years ago, or maybe something more recent

What is something that no one else knows about me?

There is so much I could say, but here goes...

I am a compulsive liar.

I seriously have a problem and I need help.

Not a day goes by without me lying to someone.  I lie without hesitation, even to the people I care about.  I always regret doing it, and I am deeply sorry to everone.... I don't know why I do it. It just seems the easy way out of any situation.  I can almost guarrantee that the next time I talk to you (whoever you are) I will most likely lie straight to your face.  Over the Summer holidays I will be working on this, and hopefully by the start of next year, I will be a lot more truthful in the things I say and do.

I highly recommend that for the next few months, you should not believe anything I say unless either you know it is true, or I can prove I'm not lying.  This will be a good way of teaching me not to lie.

I need your help, please.  I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now

Nearly finished the ten day challenge...

Emoticon 1.  >: (
Emoticon 2.  :'(

Day Eight: three turn ons

This is extremely similar to "Day Three: Eight ways to win my heart", so I don't think I need to answer it.  My answers would be basically the same and I cbf typing them again...  Sorry if you were hoping for a better answer, but if you really want to know, I'm sure you'll figure them out soon enough :)



.

Day Seven: Four turn offs

            1.  Smoking - It's just yuck.

                2.  "Been around the block" if you know what I mean

                3.  That ear stretching shit - it looks horrible

            4.  Lies -  I know that's a bit hypocritcal, but I'm trying to change...

Dreams

Last night I had some scary dreams...

At first I was biking down the road, then all of a sudden I was hit by a car.  I somehow became the person driving the car and continued drving away.  I drove up the port hills and stopped at the top.  Standing on the edge off a cliff I thought to myself, "If I jump, would it make the world better or worse?"  I stepped back and drove home.  Going through town, I ran over people left, right and centre.  It was horrible....

My thoughts: 

 - Should I get my license if I'm gonna drive like that?

 - Should I have jumped?

 - Why didnt I stop when I hit those people?

 - Was I the person driving at the start?

 - Why the port hills? Is that where I will die?

 - Why was I was perceivng my dream in 3rd person?

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order)

I don't really have particular people who mean a lot, I have groups of people.

1.  The Awesome Foursome (Josh, Tayla, Christie and Amy)

2.  Drama kids (drama classes/musicals)

3.  Swimming people (not all of you, but a select few)

4.  The PTC (picnic-table-crew)

5.  Family