Not what I expected

I thought I would be fine.
I thought I could manage it.
I thought it would go back to how it was before.
I thought we'd still be close.

Turns out I'm not fine, I can't really manage it, it's nothing like it was before, and we're slowly drifting apart.  It doesn't really help that we're at each others throats all the time, but I can't help it when you treat me like I don't matter and as though we were never as close as we were.  You know me and I know you, so why the heck don't we act like it? I don't know... Why do I care? Because I just do.
It just frustrates me to no end when you don't think I'm good enough. I AM good enough and I do know what I'm talking about. If I didn't, I would say so.

You know me, and you know that words hurt. When I come up with a plan for myself, you say it's wrong. When I give you positive advice about school and stuff, I don't want to be told that I fucked up. You have no idea how it felt when you said you don't respect me as a coach. Just because you've been to national meets and might do a better job at it doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing. If you want to do well, surely you would listen and take advice from everyone?
I want to help.
It's my job to help.
Friends help friends.


You probably don't even read this anymore... You probably didn't read that post I asked you to have a look at... You probably have no idea at all... If you do, you should know that I still care... You should know that I'll care as long as you care...

Great start to summer

So I haven't really had the start to summer that I was expecting...

First problem was my uni results were far worse than I thought =/  GPA of 1.33 is nothing to brag about. By getting these shit results, it means my parents are angry and are now making me pay $50 a week just to stay at home. I can barely afford this in my current 'financial situation'.

Second issue is that my car has crapped out on several occasions. Yes, this can and will be fixed, but it's costing a lot.. It also has made me keen to get a different/newer/better car. I've had a look around, and I can actually get something pretty decent for about $2500 - $3000 (which could be possible if I get a loan from my parents).

Another issue which I guess I should expect, is that organising fun stuff and outings is an absolute MISSION.  Everyone has work, or other commitments... Although when we do get something planned, it goes off =D



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I've been internalising a really complicated situation in my head.. I want to do something about it, but I don't know that it's appropriate. I can always just leave things how they are and keep looking, or I could see where this takes me. If I do go with it, a whole number of things could go wrong... Mess up another friendship, be known as 'that guy', and not to mention how shit would go down -.-
On the other hand, if I don't do anything then we continue how we are, you'll probably find someone else (I will too hopefully), and I'll probably always think about "what could've been", etc.

I guess the sensible thing to do is give it some time and see where it takes itself without forcing anything.  I shall keep my options open and I will take other people's feelings into consideration. Tbh, I don't even know if I want this myself. AARGHGDVSJHSJ  told you it was complicated o_O

SUMMER POSITION AVAILABLE

Position: My +1 for the summer.

Job description: Hangout with me and friends and do stuff over the summer holidays.

Ideal Applicant (not limited to this): Female, Single, aged between 16-19.

Reason for opening:  No one really wants to spend the holidays by themselves, and it can be really difficult to organise a group outing.  This allows for easy planning and action as well as a lot of fun.

Examples of what would be required: Accompany me to outings with mates, road-trips, other random stuff like movies and minigolf. Also possible chance of doing things that I haven't done since I was a little kid such as making a fort, etc.

Compulsory events: Watch new Twilight movie with me, day trip to Okains Bay and Akaroa.

Below this line is a questionaire that MUST be filled out and sent to me before Monday 28th November at 5pm!!!!!
Please send your completed form to fleedle@hotmail.com
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Full Name:
D.O.B:
Current Relationship status:
Contact phone number:

Why do you want to hang out with me over the summer?
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List (at least) 5 things you would like to do during your time as my +1
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Why do you think you are the best person to hang out with?
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What are you favourite hobbies/interests?
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List (at least) 5 artists or songs that you would like to listen to
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What are some of the things you know and/or like about me? (3-4 sentences should suffice)
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What do you dislike about me?
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Any other comments?
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Instead of writing your typical post about being sad because another relationship has ended, I'm going to make a list of all the good times we had together in the hope that I can add to the list again in the future

- When I got carpet burn and it left a mark for a few days
- When my mum found a bit of your hair in my bed
- Going for those runs and just talking about random stuff
- Movie night
- Just chilling on your roof doing nothing
- The first time you fell asleep in my arms
- How fast my heart was racing when we first kissed
- When we went to Corey's party then back to tayla's for the night
- The first time you said those three words to me at Neptune meet
- The look on your face when I had the purple lynx on
- Meeting all of your friends (at least twice ;P)
- When you helped me shop for my mums birthday present
- Going to see Transformers and Harry Potter
- When you gave me your shirt to wear
- When you fell asleep on the phone because you didn't want to hang up
- On my birthday when you came to morning training with me and made me breakfast. Then I got to spend most of the morning with you showing you around the UC campus =)
- My EPIC birthday present that I seriously couldn't handle
- About 2am on 21/07/2011 and that awkward shopping trip the next morning
- My party when you had a bit much to drink =/
- Getting dressed up for your formal
- When I stayed at your house on a saturday night and we'd sleep in till I had to go to work
- Helping with the set for Seussical and getting to see the show
- When you thought your birthday present hadn't arrived but it did (and you thought it was a massive dildo hahahaha)
- Your birthday party where I had to bob for apples first and I didn't win the treasure hunt -.-
- The look on your face when I came back from South Islands wearing a suit
- Going to Shirley BK and The Palms for our 6months because nothing else is open on this side of town
- When you brought your sisters and roxy to Graham Condon for the opening =)
- When you trusted me enough to not give you my FB password when you went to aussie
- Getting to see you at Amy's place for the rugby
- Spending the whole afternoon with you the day after and playing all of those cool board games that I'd never played before
- Our last kiss <3

There is WAY more than this, but this is all I could remember off the top of my head in such a rush before work.
Like I said in the post before this, I'll love you till forever and a bit longer.

Exams and Love

Exams and love are two completely different things, but they are actually quite similar now that I think about it.

~ To do well in exams and love you have to work hard, prepare for the unexpected and be confident in your abilities.
~ They both make you nervous and makes it hard to think straight.
~ When you get it right, it's the best feeling in the world.
~ If things go wrong, it can change your life forever.
~ It doesn't really matter how everyone else goes as long as you do your best and are proud of the results.
~ It's key to read the signs/hints that you get as this may help you achieve greatness.
~ It's a good idea to know what kind of questions are going to come up that you may need to answer.
~ Past exams are fine to look at to get an idea of what you're in for, but the best preparation is to understand every single piece of material you have been taught.
~ Even the most amazing people can stuff up every now and then.
~ Talking things over with another person can help you understand the situation/question.
~ Both short and long answers are fine as long as the main point is talked about.
~ I'll suggest that love may not seem as important as exams some times, but in the end what are we really here for? To study and do well is a very good idea, but you can enjoy life much more if you have someone to share it with.

Also remember these two things:
1. When we are young, we can't wait till we grow up; when we are old we wish we had a second chance. (In other words, make the most of what you have now so you live with no regrets)
2. Success lasts forever and a bit longer if you want it to.

I seriously need help =(


 - A poem:
Lies have built upon lies, and no truth can now be seen,
All that's left are stories of things that have have not been.
I wish I could go back weeks to before it all began,
I'd start with something fresh, perhaps a new game plan.
The truth would tear me open and I'd feel so unprotected,
But the lies have been far worse, they've left me utterly infected.
I have lied straight to your face and it's killed me deep inside,
I'd much rather make you smile from the true things set aside.
Unfortunately I can't go back now, It'd break us well apart,
I would hate myself forever and I'm sure I'd break your heart.
Things will stand as they are, nothing but the truth in your eyes,
When I know what really happens. All I tell is lies.

For those of you who read this, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about and I'd like it to stay that way just so no one else gets hurt.  It can't stay this way forever, but for now it's how I survive.

Ipod Challenge, Day 10

First song to come on your shuffle that describes your outlook on life; why? Explain it.

~ Win Some Lose Some - Robbie Williams

~  This describes my outlook on life because no one can have a perfect life, and no one can have a life where nothing goes right.  People need to learn that if something goes right, something goes wrong (Newton's third law).  For me, I have had plenty of things go right with swimming, uni, Sammy, etc, but I have also had things go wrong such as bad results for uni tests, having a shortage of money, sickness, bad swims at Neptune meet, etc.  Either way, it still balances out and I'm happy :)

Ipod Challenge, Day 9

First song to come on your shuffle from a band that you have seen in concert. If you haven’t seen any bands in concert, one that you would like to see.

~ This Moment - Disturbed

I wish I got a ticket to see them live in NZ, but I don't have any money to spare -.-

Apologies

I think it's about time that I apologised to a few people...

Mum and Dad:  Sorry I lied to you over and over again. I didn't do it because I hate you, I did it because I love you and don't want you to see the bad side of me. Even now, I am still lying to you but only because I don't want my constant imperfections being critiqued by you 24/7.

Mrs Hannah:  I know you can't read this, but I'm sorry I didn't put much effort into your classes. I am also sorry I stopped going to class because I was embarrased that I wasn't as good as I thought I was. Up until last year, I had always been in the top few at maths, but last year I struggled to even pass simple papers.

Mr Crean: I apologise for being a lazy student.  I was going through some rough times, and to be honest I hate writing.  Even though I didn't learn a heck of a lot from you, I still took some of the things you said on-board and passed my external.

Josh Case:  I'm sorry we don't hang out as much as we used to last year.  You were/are my best mate and I can always rely on you to be there =)  I'm really sorry it took so long for me to text you after the earthquake, but I just went into survival mode and didn't even check my phone for days. I hope like hell that you are going to be one of those friends that old people talk about where "we have been friends ever since high school and we still go have a beer every friday" or something like that haha.  I love you bro (no homo).

Rachael Shaw:  I apologise for making the last post I sent you a public one. I stand by what I said, but it was not the best idea to put it all over facebook.  I also apologise for "not being who you thought I was".  Clearly, all those conversations we had and all the time we spent together, I was just acting, and being a dick (sarcasm).

Sammy Winward: I'm sorry it took so long for me to speak up. I just kept quiet because (like you said) you didn't see me as more than a friend till not long ago. I'm also sorry that I lose the game almost every time I think of you -.-


I shall edit this post as and when I need to apologise for things that I have done...

An update

As requested by DT, I am posting for the first time since mid January :O

As you can imagine, a LOT of stuff has happened, so this is going to be a rather long post.
Enjoy =)

Scholarship results - I recieved my scholarship results in mid February. 10 marks for drama, and 16 for accounting.  Unfortunately, those marks weren't good enough for a scholarship, but I'm still very pleased considering the lack of effort I put into preparing for the exams.

Earthquake - Well this time around, our area had a LOT more damage... The roads are stuffed, neighbours have moved out, we STILL have no sewerage, and water and power are still cutting out every now and then. The most important thing is that all of my family and friends are ok, so I don't really mind everything else.  QEII has been red-stickered and initial reports are saying it'll be something like four years before it is up and running again... Well there goes my job, my sport, and a few of my friends :/  Hopefully Jellie Park opens up again soon, because I'm getting seriously unfit.

Uni - At the moment, about half of my lectures are in big tents. Not ideal, but we are still covering all the material.  It's a whole new experience for everyone, but we are making the most of what has been made available.  We will slowly return to how we were, but in the meantime, I just have to get on with it and do my best.

Waipara trip - Best trip in ages!!! I love you guys, and I hope we stay together forever <3

Movie night - Fun as night with some swimming kids! I can't wait for this weekend which should be just as good, if not better =D

As some of you may (or may not) know, I have recently found myself a wonderful new girlfriend =)  We've known each other for years, but only recently started being 'more than just friends.'  She's super cool and I've been told we're "as crazy as each other" which is a good sign =P  I can't believe how lucky I have been so far.

I hope that brings you pretty much up to date with things so far. If not, feel free to post a comment, or fb me, or even talk to me irl =P
Goodnight.

Swimming

As many of you already know, I have recently been told that I am alergic to chlorine.  The doctor recommended that I cut back on swimming to about 1-2hrs a week, which is essentially giving up...

I currently have enough pills and whatnot to last me untill nationals have finished, at which point I have to make a choice...

My two options are:
    1.  Stop swimming completely.

    2.  Have a break from swimming.  Go to the gym and bulk up a wee bit.  Come back to swimming just before South Islands in September.  Train 10-11 times a week as soon as exams finish in an attempt to qualify for nags in the 200back, 200free, 400free and maybe the 1500 too.

For the time being, number 2 is my preferred option, but who know's what's gonna happen.  For now, canty champs and divs await.

My Party rules (will be added to/edited)

1.  Parties are for partying. No Down-buzz people allowed.

2.  If you get too drunk, other people then gain the right to mess with your mind, and to draw inapropriate things on your body.

3.  Time restrictions for a party.  Host must start preparations within 48hrs of the start of the party.  Guests only have 24hrs.

4.  If a song is played for more than 13 seconds, the whole song must be played before moving to the next one (unless it voids rule 7).

5. If it is a requirement that a costume must be worn, it is only applicable to females and awesome guys. Exception will be made if going to/from work.

6. Drink stealing is not allowed no matter how drunk you are.

7.  No bad music is to be played.
7a.  ONE Justin Bieber song may be played (no more than 12 seconds) ONLY if followed by Down With The Sickness by Disturbed.

8. The host of the party reserves the right to control the volume of the music, and also has the right to play any song that does not void rule 7.

9. If a recycling bin is there for use, a challenge HAS been made to fill it by the end of the party.

10.  No smoking, no drugs and no drink-driving.  End of story.

11.  There must be at least one sober driver per 10 people drinking.

12.  If the date is an odd number (eg. 9th) you must drink out of your left hand.  If the date is an even number (eg. 22nd) you must drink out of your right hand.  Failure to follow this will result in you being forced to scull the rest of your drink, no matter how much you have left.

13.  If someone is attempting to scull a drink, the following song MUST be sung:  Hail a brother ____, brother ____, brother ____.  Hail a brother ____ who's with us tonight.  We love him, we hate him, we love to masturbate him.  Hail a brother ____ who's with us tonight. SCULL MOTHERF@#ER, SCULL MOTHERF@#ER, SCULL MOTHERF@#ER, SCULL!!

13a.  If a female is being made to scull a drink, the word 'brother' in the previous song may be replaced with 'sister.'

14. If you spill a drink, you MUST suck as much of it up as you can.
14a.  If someone spills a drink, it is a requirement that you yell "FLOOR SUCK!" until they proceed with rule 14.

15. If you are crashing for the night, you may sleep anywhere the host says unless you are female, in which case, it is a requirement you sleep in the same bed as the host.
15a. If the host is not single, then NO ONE may enter the bedroom unless invited.

16. Those who are fortunate enough to stay the night MUST help clean up the next morning. It's just what you do for mates to thank them for a good night.


......To be continued......

Holidays thus far

Now it's a new year, I feel like I should reflect on how my holidays have been so far.

Yes, there have been quite a few good gatherings and plenty of fun things to do, but honestly it has been nothing like I expected it to be.  I have been working just under 30 hours a week and training whenever I can.  Living at QEII isn't my idea of a "fun" holiday...

So far I have done 4/29 of the things on the list I made for me to do before I turn 18.  Let's be honest, I highly doubt I'll get all of them done, so realistically, it's more of a list for me to complete before I'm 20.

New Years in Okains Bay was absolutely fantastic!!!  Great people, fun times, plenty of BYC, and no major incidents.  Only two things could've made it better;  a bit warmer at night with no rain on New years eve, and of course someone to enjoy the new year with.  There is always next year though :)

Swim camp has begun which means I'm tired, hungry and sore.  2 weeks of hell is heading my way... 

Things I'm looking forward to
 - Hannah's toga party :P
 - Canty champs
 - a bit of time off work
 - Movies with some cool kids
 - Things I wish to keep to myself (for the time being)