A teaser from my 'book' so far

"He lay there writhing in a hidden pain not knowing when the suffering will end.  The only thing keeping him going was the prospect of having the chance to once again have the warm sunlight on his cheek and a smile to appear across his face.  A war was well underway in his mind with both good and evil evenly matched. On one hand there was a deep sadness that had been building for many years, but on the other there was a growing desire to get up and fight back.  Many battles were fought and more often than not, the darkness overcame him. Forced to retreat back to his cold and empty shell, he grew tired of losing, he grew tired of having to fight, he grew tired of himself."

^Yeah this does sound a wee bit sad but that's only part of it so far =)  I'm really enjoying writing this! Gives me a chance to let out all of the emotions that I've kept to myself (the good and the bad). I feel a weight lifted when I write about my experiences and I know that I will be a lot more positive at the end of this =D

2013 - A catch up

So after hearing that Formspring was closing down, I thought I may as well see how my blog is doing!!! No new posts, no comments, nothing exciting. Aaaaand I'm about to change all of that ;D

So what's been happening in the last year? A whole heap of not a lot.  I've pulled out of my courses at uni, been working full-time at the pool, a wee bit of swimming here and there, had a girl for a while, catching up with friends when I can.

I'll start with uni.  I spent 18months at university, hating every minute of it. I got terrible marks in most of my courses and wasted about $6000 on failed papers.  It wasn't until the evening of my 19th b'day party that I had the balls to finally admit that uni was not for me.  As you can imagine, my Mum and Dad were quite pissed off (even though it was my own money that I was wasting).  I was still lying to them and I felt absolutely horrible.  The best idea at the time was to start picking up more lifeguarding shifts at the pool.

GC has treated me well in terms of offering shifts and whatnot. I've consistantly had 30+hours a week for the last 9 months.  I was even offered a full time secondment over the summer (nov-mar) and have since picked up an extra part-time shift.  Although I don't always enjoy lifeguarding, I find that it keeps me on my toes and I look forward to catching up with people I work with. Not to mention the FREE pool and gym access haha!!  I feel valued there and my opinions count. I've been asked for my input on a lot of things now, including a potential new roster, numbers for pool parties, lane allocation and a whole heap of other stuff. I've also been doing a lot of supervisor shifts which gives me some new challenges including being in charge of people much much older than myself. All of this gives me a bit of that warm fuzzy feeling knowing that the work I do is a high standard and appreciated by the senior staff.

I've also had a girlfriend up until recently. Things got out of hand quite suddenly and it makes me sad and frustrated knowing what happened. I don't regret being with her at all, but I know things will never be the same between us.  She showed me I can step out of my comfort zone and do what I want to do, all I have to do is man up and go for it.  At the moment I'm still trying to get over what happened and I am struggling a wee bit with finding the right balance of socialising with everyone, time by myself and time with that one good friend. As much as it pisses me off, she's lucky to have a guy who was with her right from the word go and could keep her from falling too far.  I'm trying to avoid talking to or about her as much as I can. Not because I don't like her, but so that I'm not continuously reminded about what happened and make it easier for me to move on with my life.

With all of this going on, I've also found it hard to think about what I really enjoy doing. I thought I would be coming out of uni with an LLB and a Bcom and find some job or career from that.  Unfortunately that didn't really work out so I went back to the drawing board... What makes me happy? What do I enjoy doing? What am I good at? Where do I see myself in 5, 10 or 20 years? At this point in time, I'm looking into swim coaching. I have a few courses lined up and I'm getting heaps of experience by covering Glen, Ellie and Roly when they go away.  I'm also off to Invercargill in 3 days time to coach at DivII nationals =D  There are only two swimmers from QEII going this year but I'm sure they'll both do really well and come home proud of what they achieve!!

My swimming hasn't been very consistant lately thanks to work hours being all over the show. The majority of my pb's are over a year old now, but I'm sure that's going to change.  I've set myself up with a new training schedule of approx 7-9 swims and 3-4gym/dryland sessions per week.  This should get me fit, strong and ready to get some pbs and hopefully some springs times.  I'm targetting neptunes and south islands (both short course meets) because I have a bit of a record in swimming well at those meets even when I'm not training.  I want to give swimming a good go this year. I'd hate to look back later in life and think to myself  "damn I really only gave it a half-assed attempt, imagine what I could've done if I'd really tried".  If I don't get anywhere, then I can hold my head high and be proud that I gave it everything.


Aaaanyway, enough of my rambling on. I'm off to pack my bags for this weekend and get ready for a bit of coaching this afternoon. If there is anything else I remember I may edit this post or potentially make another. Shout out to the boys (and girls).

~Benny C



P.S.  Congratulations to Ellie Sinclair (Harrod) on her AWESOME wedding to Nathan!!! Was a fantastic day and hope you enjoy your new life together =)

P.P.S   I don't even know if people still read this haha, but if you do, feel free to comment so I know someone is listening/reading!

Social experiment

I have decided that I am going to run my own 'social experiment'.

This is day 1, and I will try to post an update at least once a week till I reach my target in a few months time.  This is all positive stuff and I hope ya'll can be proud of what I'm about to begin!!!

Note 1. If you figure out what I'm doing, please don't tell anyone else.
Note 2. It will be easier for those who don't see me for a long time, so if you see me often make sure you PAY ATTENTION!!
Note 3. I came up with this idea very late at night, so I have the right to stop this experiment at any point

~Benny C

Not what I expected

I thought I would be fine.
I thought I could manage it.
I thought it would go back to how it was before.
I thought we'd still be close.

Turns out I'm not fine, I can't really manage it, it's nothing like it was before, and we're slowly drifting apart.  It doesn't really help that we're at each others throats all the time, but I can't help it when you treat me like I don't matter and as though we were never as close as we were.  You know me and I know you, so why the heck don't we act like it? I don't know... Why do I care? Because I just do.
It just frustrates me to no end when you don't think I'm good enough. I AM good enough and I do know what I'm talking about. If I didn't, I would say so.

You know me, and you know that words hurt. When I come up with a plan for myself, you say it's wrong. When I give you positive advice about school and stuff, I don't want to be told that I fucked up. You have no idea how it felt when you said you don't respect me as a coach. Just because you've been to national meets and might do a better job at it doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing. If you want to do well, surely you would listen and take advice from everyone?
I want to help.
It's my job to help.
Friends help friends.


You probably don't even read this anymore... You probably didn't read that post I asked you to have a look at... You probably have no idea at all... If you do, you should know that I still care... You should know that I'll care as long as you care...

Great start to summer

So I haven't really had the start to summer that I was expecting...

First problem was my uni results were far worse than I thought =/  GPA of 1.33 is nothing to brag about. By getting these shit results, it means my parents are angry and are now making me pay $50 a week just to stay at home. I can barely afford this in my current 'financial situation'.

Second issue is that my car has crapped out on several occasions. Yes, this can and will be fixed, but it's costing a lot.. It also has made me keen to get a different/newer/better car. I've had a look around, and I can actually get something pretty decent for about $2500 - $3000 (which could be possible if I get a loan from my parents).

Another issue which I guess I should expect, is that organising fun stuff and outings is an absolute MISSION.  Everyone has work, or other commitments... Although when we do get something planned, it goes off =D



________________________________________________________
I've been internalising a really complicated situation in my head.. I want to do something about it, but I don't know that it's appropriate. I can always just leave things how they are and keep looking, or I could see where this takes me. If I do go with it, a whole number of things could go wrong... Mess up another friendship, be known as 'that guy', and not to mention how shit would go down -.-
On the other hand, if I don't do anything then we continue how we are, you'll probably find someone else (I will too hopefully), and I'll probably always think about "what could've been", etc.

I guess the sensible thing to do is give it some time and see where it takes itself without forcing anything.  I shall keep my options open and I will take other people's feelings into consideration. Tbh, I don't even know if I want this myself. AARGHGDVSJHSJ  told you it was complicated o_O

SUMMER POSITION AVAILABLE

Position: My +1 for the summer.

Job description: Hangout with me and friends and do stuff over the summer holidays.

Ideal Applicant (not limited to this): Female, Single, aged between 16-19.

Reason for opening:  No one really wants to spend the holidays by themselves, and it can be really difficult to organise a group outing.  This allows for easy planning and action as well as a lot of fun.

Examples of what would be required: Accompany me to outings with mates, road-trips, other random stuff like movies and minigolf. Also possible chance of doing things that I haven't done since I was a little kid such as making a fort, etc.

Compulsory events: Watch new Twilight movie with me, day trip to Okains Bay and Akaroa.

Below this line is a questionaire that MUST be filled out and sent to me before Monday 28th November at 5pm!!!!!
Please send your completed form to fleedle@hotmail.com
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Full Name:
D.O.B:
Current Relationship status:
Contact phone number:

Why do you want to hang out with me over the summer?
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List (at least) 5 things you would like to do during your time as my +1
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 -
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Why do you think you are the best person to hang out with?
 -

What are you favourite hobbies/interests?
 -

List (at least) 5 artists or songs that you would like to listen to
 -
 -
 -
 -
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What are some of the things you know and/or like about me? (3-4 sentences should suffice)
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What do you dislike about me?
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Any other comments?
-

Instead of writing your typical post about being sad because another relationship has ended, I'm going to make a list of all the good times we had together in the hope that I can add to the list again in the future

- When I got carpet burn and it left a mark for a few days
- When my mum found a bit of your hair in my bed
- Going for those runs and just talking about random stuff
- Movie night
- Just chilling on your roof doing nothing
- The first time you fell asleep in my arms
- How fast my heart was racing when we first kissed
- When we went to Corey's party then back to tayla's for the night
- The first time you said those three words to me at Neptune meet
- The look on your face when I had the purple lynx on
- Meeting all of your friends (at least twice ;P)
- When you helped me shop for my mums birthday present
- Going to see Transformers and Harry Potter
- When you gave me your shirt to wear
- When you fell asleep on the phone because you didn't want to hang up
- On my birthday when you came to morning training with me and made me breakfast. Then I got to spend most of the morning with you showing you around the UC campus =)
- My EPIC birthday present that I seriously couldn't handle
- About 2am on 21/07/2011 and that awkward shopping trip the next morning
- My party when you had a bit much to drink =/
- Getting dressed up for your formal
- When I stayed at your house on a saturday night and we'd sleep in till I had to go to work
- Helping with the set for Seussical and getting to see the show
- When you thought your birthday present hadn't arrived but it did (and you thought it was a massive dildo hahahaha)
- Your birthday party where I had to bob for apples first and I didn't win the treasure hunt -.-
- The look on your face when I came back from South Islands wearing a suit
- Going to Shirley BK and The Palms for our 6months because nothing else is open on this side of town
- When you brought your sisters and roxy to Graham Condon for the opening =)
- When you trusted me enough to not give you my FB password when you went to aussie
- Getting to see you at Amy's place for the rugby
- Spending the whole afternoon with you the day after and playing all of those cool board games that I'd never played before
- Our last kiss <3

There is WAY more than this, but this is all I could remember off the top of my head in such a rush before work.
Like I said in the post before this, I'll love you till forever and a bit longer.